NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Writing an impassioned letter on Monday to Judge Juan Merchan, Melania Trump argued that sentencing her husband to house arrest would mean cruel and unusual punishment for her. Mrs. Trump wrote that confining her husband to any place where she resides would be a clear violation “not only of the US Constitution, but of the Geneva Conventions.” “Your Honor, you can prevent a humanitarian crisis,” she continued. “The human I speak of is me.” Suggesting an appropriate sentence for her felonious husband, Mrs. Trump wrote, “Prison be best.” |